MUMBAI'S TRANSPORT

Mumbai does have many modes of transport but each and everyone of them is sooo populated, you prefer to buy your own vehicle and travel...oo then starts the Mumbai traffic...who can escape the Mumbai traffic???

It can be soo frustrating travelling here, let me begin with the mumbai BEST Buses (their facilities are exactly the opposite ) Staying in town is supposed to be a blessing cause we can reach our colleges and offices faster but i beg to differ...

The patience u need to travel ..is remarkable…some days u reach office in a short span of 20 mins but there are other days that the same road will take about an hour to reach the same destination??? Why so?? Thanks to the extra-ordinary traffic and the simultaneous need to dig every road in Mumbai!...I cant even see any progress in the construction of one road but the adjacent road will be dug up….how on earth do you expect the traffic to reduce! And in the peak hours you will be stuck at the speed of 20 for sure! And now with the monsoon I am dreading the traffic…and the taxi’s in Mumbai just are not ready to take you to your destination ever? Its according to their mood swings that they agree!

Mumbai’s Lifeline- the Railways : It’s the fastest mode of transport and connects every part of Mumbai..but travelling in theses are altogether an interesting tale!

The Western Railway…has the best frequency of trains but to survive in the Virar Fast you actually need some super-natural strength and stamina and cling on for your dear life!! Each time I travel in the train I do curse my friend for whom I am in the pitiable state I am in! You actually have to stand in very awkward position in the unbelievable crowded and according to the direction in which the crowd is heading and if the crowd is confused which direction they need to head to., that’s when u get sandwiched in between…and to stand in that position for long enough to go numb is bad…and when u finally reach ur destination u wonder why on earth did u even bother when u could just yapp on the phone like always!

The Central Railway is very populated too…but havnt tarvelled much in the central main line but the central harbour line..which I travel in, had fisherwomen traveling and they are the only ones who are offered a place to stand well…obviously since ppl are worried if the fish water remotely falls on the person next to u also, how badly u r gonna stink for the entire day and no deo wil help you( ignore what the ads tell u ) .and its true i know it cause due to the rush in the train , the basket of fish and the water did fall on a poor victim- my mom …hahahahaha yeh its not funny but yeh poor mom was in a very bad temper don't blame her! I couldn't even breathe next to her! And I have also stood at the door of the train literally battling to live but its worse when ur battling to get a toe space and some other women is holding your waist like it’s a pole and supporting their body weight on my poor thin frame!! How can someone mistake my waist for a pole???

In the peak hour I made the mistake of taking an andheri train….I was pushed into the train I narrowly missed the rod in the centre of the entrance, and was pushed in…never felt so weak in my life the way I do in the train, and everyone clings on to the train like it’s the only train that will take them home and if they reach home about 10 mins late they will be thrown out ..I rather be homeless than handicapped in the train. Anyways in the crowded train you get massaged anywhere and everywhere that u hoped u wouldn't and by soo many people simulatenously .that it hurts…and somebody’s left leg is stuck at a particular angle and cant move but he/she wont spare that toe space that was available. And then there is somones elbow across ur neck which makes u feel like a prisoner who is being punished for all the sins in life, that’s when u thank god that ur tall that u don’t need to smell people’s armpits !And well in these crowded trains, you have many eunuchs (they are actually nice ppl…don’t knw why ppl act like they have just seen a ghost) who will try to push through and then the charged up pissed off women will fight, and then there are exchange of filthy language and such horrible bad words ( and I thought my language was bad…travel by a local train …sometimes u never know the new and updated bad words ) and one such day …one ennuch told me “ Tu bekari banegi “ ….so mean..i dunno why she/he cursed only me ….my 2 other buddies were there too…

Irritating things that happen in the trains:

v Your mobile/wallet suddenly is flicked by the Super -Men travelling on top of the trains, that freaks you out..as if there wasn’t enough torture inside the trains

v There are some very very cultured people who feel the need to spit when the train is in motion and the spit flys and comes on u /ur window

v The less cultured ones will spit out the bright red pan( brighter than the red traffic signal) and that’s when u wanna chase them and smash their heads

v In the lady’s compartment..irrespective of how crowded the damn train is women have to wear pencil point heels and stamp half a dozen of passengers!( One gal actually asked me..Did I hurt u ??? I was like No No..my nerves don’t function well ..didnt feel it at all…)

v Women feel the need to comb their hair in the train….its really annoying when someone else’s hair is on ur face….

But yeh after travelling in few places in India I think Mumbai’s transport is the best …and thankfully atleast here the buses have the destinations written in Hindi and English…so that every one can read…and thank god.Hindi and Marathi are written alike..so many people in Mumbai are saved..but most places have buses with the destinations in their own regional languages…if u travel down south you will have no idea how to travel..

I felt soo scared and lost there…after Mumbai’s buses and lifelines …u can just travel anywhere in Mumbai without the fear of getting lost….an then down there each place is scribbled with their own native language….and to illiterate ( as I cant read the languages down south) all look like some child has scribbled something in cirles and designs etc ..

Each time i travel in other cities, i praise Mumbai's transport !! Mumbai does have the best transport system…just the damn population!

SIMBBLIIE MALLU'S...( Part 2)

I am sure you guys think I hate mallus...cos this is the second post dedicated to their kind.....

hmmmm ya ur right....they are soo irritating!! and I can't remove my frustration out at them.. so i remove my frustration in my posts...

Every time I go there I promise myself I shall never go back there ever EVER( capitals are just for the emphasis) again but somehow..my grandparents emotionally blackmail me and get me there and thats how i write more posts:)

In the " Malluland" there are few simple rules:

1) BE YOURSELF= SHOW YOUR TRUE COLOUR:

• if you have paid for something,get max use from it,
• come to eat FINISH every organic/edible stuff u can see,
• so what if you have to burp,pretend that the other humans cant hear you and burp out loud

2) STUFF AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU CAN:

• Whenever you go to anyones place for lunch/dinner- starve for a day or more if necessary and then go and hog
  
• So wat if its a funeral?? who cares??!?!? MOTTO IN LIFE: BECOME OBESE AND MAKE OTHERS LIKE YOU TOO:)
  
• Go for anyones birthday party, the person you hate....contribute bout 10 bucks for a gift and the compensate by eating non stop

3) WEDDINGS:

• Go for all the weddings possible: you get good food
  
• Also shamelessly take your family, relatives and friends( if you had to treat anyone)
• Never attend the wedding ceremony but during " FOOD TIME" its like population explosion
• And a wedding gift= something that someone has gifted you long back and you dont know what to do with it!??!NEVER BUY NEW GIFTS( My dad had gifted me a pen that he had bought 10 years.before ....how sweet of him..but obviously it didnt work but I didnt have the heart to tell him but if anyone else does so I will)

4) DRESS TO KILL:

• Ignore how you dress but always remember to X-RAY any human who dressed in western clothes( in kerala: everything except saree is western)
• WOMEN: Wear sarees and the traditional skirts( bright colours) and oil in the hair, the hair shld be curly like the telephone coiled wires...ya that curly....and obvio flowers on the hair
• MEN: To be cool...wear BRIGHT colour shirts/ hawaiin shirts( includes flowers, squares and random objects drawn on the shirt) to stand out in the crowd!!( as if your face is not enough??) and a WHITE lungii is compulsary ...no matter where you go.....you cant separate from that..
• So in other words DRESSED TO KILL

5) LIVE IN HERDS:

• Mallus generally are like a animals...they always travel in herds( group of many of their kind)
• They infest every part of the world...eg GULF( now the epicentre of mallus) I have full faith in mallus ...I am sure in Antartica you will find one herd dressed in loud clothes playing with the penguins!
• They are scavengers

6) 100% LITERACY:

• Ya its true....100% literacy rate in Kerala but I really wonder why they are so dumb??Have they not been tought by eating 24 hours a day you become obese and fall ill??? BOZZOS
• Women also have been taught a lottt but then most women dont work ...they just sit at home and become fat!! and then fatter.....and i guess find it a honour bloating up!
• Many of them are over-educated ...like many people i know( I get yelled at...cause i dont show mcuh interest in mugging books).are never satisfied with how much they study....they just keep studyin!?!?!there is a limit to study .. M FED UP OF STUDYING I dunno why they dont have normal human feelins!?!?!!?

7) COCONUTS AND BANANAS:

• No guys, am not bout to tell you nay non=veg joke but the truth is a mallus like revolves around Coconuts and bananas...and their by-products
• Most of the food they eat consists of coconuts and more coconuts and more coconuts and bananas and more bananas and more bananas
• Coocnuts and Bananas are used everyday ..including COCONUT OIL FOR LONG SHINY CURLY HAIR

8) ENGLEESSHH

• Who says we mallus cant speak other languages huh???
• OF course we speak better than any of you( minus the accent )
• If you try and pay attention ( after bout 6 times) you will understand what we were trying to communicate , now we talk in all languages ...just that we have mallunized the language a little:)