MUMBAI'S TRANSPORT

Mumbai does have many modes of transport but each and everyone of them is sooo populated, you prefer to buy your own vehicle and travel...oo then starts the Mumbai traffic...who can escape the Mumbai traffic???

It can be soo frustrating travelling here, let me begin with the mumbai BEST Buses (their facilities are exactly the opposite ) Staying in town is supposed to be a blessing cause we can reach our colleges and offices faster but i beg to differ...

The patience u need to travel ..is remarkable…some days u reach office in a short span of 20 mins but there are other days that the same road will take about an hour to reach the same destination??? Why so?? Thanks to the extra-ordinary traffic and the simultaneous need to dig every road in Mumbai!...I cant even see any progress in the construction of one road but the adjacent road will be dug up….how on earth do you expect the traffic to reduce! And in the peak hours you will be stuck at the speed of 20 for sure! And now with the monsoon I am dreading the traffic…and the taxi’s in Mumbai just are not ready to take you to your destination ever? Its according to their mood swings that they agree!

Mumbai’s Lifeline- the Railways : It’s the fastest mode of transport and connects every part of Mumbai..but travelling in theses are altogether an interesting tale!

The Western Railway…has the best frequency of trains but to survive in the Virar Fast you actually need some super-natural strength and stamina and cling on for your dear life!! Each time I travel in the train I do curse my friend for whom I am in the pitiable state I am in! You actually have to stand in very awkward position in the unbelievable crowded and according to the direction in which the crowd is heading and if the crowd is confused which direction they need to head to., that’s when u get sandwiched in between…and to stand in that position for long enough to go numb is bad…and when u finally reach ur destination u wonder why on earth did u even bother when u could just yapp on the phone like always!

The Central Railway is very populated too…but havnt tarvelled much in the central main line but the central harbour line..which I travel in, had fisherwomen traveling and they are the only ones who are offered a place to stand well…obviously since ppl are worried if the fish water remotely falls on the person next to u also, how badly u r gonna stink for the entire day and no deo wil help you( ignore what the ads tell u ) .and its true i know it cause due to the rush in the train , the basket of fish and the water did fall on a poor victim- my mom …hahahahaha yeh its not funny but yeh poor mom was in a very bad temper don't blame her! I couldn't even breathe next to her! And I have also stood at the door of the train literally battling to live but its worse when ur battling to get a toe space and some other women is holding your waist like it’s a pole and supporting their body weight on my poor thin frame!! How can someone mistake my waist for a pole???

In the peak hour I made the mistake of taking an andheri train….I was pushed into the train I narrowly missed the rod in the centre of the entrance, and was pushed in…never felt so weak in my life the way I do in the train, and everyone clings on to the train like it’s the only train that will take them home and if they reach home about 10 mins late they will be thrown out ..I rather be homeless than handicapped in the train. Anyways in the crowded train you get massaged anywhere and everywhere that u hoped u wouldn't and by soo many people simulatenously .that it hurts…and somebody’s left leg is stuck at a particular angle and cant move but he/she wont spare that toe space that was available. And then there is somones elbow across ur neck which makes u feel like a prisoner who is being punished for all the sins in life, that’s when u thank god that ur tall that u don’t need to smell people’s armpits !And well in these crowded trains, you have many eunuchs (they are actually nice ppl…don’t knw why ppl act like they have just seen a ghost) who will try to push through and then the charged up pissed off women will fight, and then there are exchange of filthy language and such horrible bad words ( and I thought my language was bad…travel by a local train …sometimes u never know the new and updated bad words ) and one such day …one ennuch told me “ Tu bekari banegi “ ….so mean..i dunno why she/he cursed only me ….my 2 other buddies were there too…

Irritating things that happen in the trains:

v Your mobile/wallet suddenly is flicked by the Super -Men travelling on top of the trains, that freaks you out..as if there wasn’t enough torture inside the trains

v There are some very very cultured people who feel the need to spit when the train is in motion and the spit flys and comes on u /ur window

v The less cultured ones will spit out the bright red pan( brighter than the red traffic signal) and that’s when u wanna chase them and smash their heads

v In the lady’s compartment..irrespective of how crowded the damn train is women have to wear pencil point heels and stamp half a dozen of passengers!( One gal actually asked me..Did I hurt u ??? I was like No No..my nerves don’t function well ..didnt feel it at all…)

v Women feel the need to comb their hair in the train….its really annoying when someone else’s hair is on ur face….

But yeh after travelling in few places in India I think Mumbai’s transport is the best …and thankfully atleast here the buses have the destinations written in Hindi and English…so that every one can read…and thank god.Hindi and Marathi are written alike..so many people in Mumbai are saved..but most places have buses with the destinations in their own regional languages…if u travel down south you will have no idea how to travel..

I felt soo scared and lost there…after Mumbai’s buses and lifelines …u can just travel anywhere in Mumbai without the fear of getting lost….an then down there each place is scribbled with their own native language….and to illiterate ( as I cant read the languages down south) all look like some child has scribbled something in cirles and designs etc ..

Each time i travel in other cities, i praise Mumbai's transport !! Mumbai does have the best transport system…just the damn population!

SIMBBLIIE MALLU'S...( Part 2)

I am sure you guys think I hate mallus...cos this is the second post dedicated to their kind.....

hmmmm ya ur right....they are soo irritating!! and I can't remove my frustration out at them.. so i remove my frustration in my posts...

Every time I go there I promise myself I shall never go back there ever EVER( capitals are just for the emphasis) again but somehow..my grandparents emotionally blackmail me and get me there and thats how i write more posts:)

In the " Malluland" there are few simple rules:

1) BE YOURSELF= SHOW YOUR TRUE COLOUR:

• if you have paid for something,get max use from it,
• come to eat FINISH every organic/edible stuff u can see,
• so what if you have to burp,pretend that the other humans cant hear you and burp out loud

2) STUFF AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU CAN:

• Whenever you go to anyones place for lunch/dinner- starve for a day or more if necessary and then go and hog
  
• So wat if its a funeral?? who cares??!?!? MOTTO IN LIFE: BECOME OBESE AND MAKE OTHERS LIKE YOU TOO:)
  
• Go for anyones birthday party, the person you hate....contribute bout 10 bucks for a gift and the compensate by eating non stop

3) WEDDINGS:

• Go for all the weddings possible: you get good food
  
• Also shamelessly take your family, relatives and friends( if you had to treat anyone)
• Never attend the wedding ceremony but during " FOOD TIME" its like population explosion
• And a wedding gift= something that someone has gifted you long back and you dont know what to do with it!??!NEVER BUY NEW GIFTS( My dad had gifted me a pen that he had bought 10 years.before ....how sweet of him..but obviously it didnt work but I didnt have the heart to tell him but if anyone else does so I will)

4) DRESS TO KILL:

• Ignore how you dress but always remember to X-RAY any human who dressed in western clothes( in kerala: everything except saree is western)
• WOMEN: Wear sarees and the traditional skirts( bright colours) and oil in the hair, the hair shld be curly like the telephone coiled wires...ya that curly....and obvio flowers on the hair
• MEN: To be cool...wear BRIGHT colour shirts/ hawaiin shirts( includes flowers, squares and random objects drawn on the shirt) to stand out in the crowd!!( as if your face is not enough??) and a WHITE lungii is compulsary ...no matter where you go.....you cant separate from that..
• So in other words DRESSED TO KILL

5) LIVE IN HERDS:

• Mallus generally are like a animals...they always travel in herds( group of many of their kind)
• They infest every part of the world...eg GULF( now the epicentre of mallus) I have full faith in mallus ...I am sure in Antartica you will find one herd dressed in loud clothes playing with the penguins!
• They are scavengers

6) 100% LITERACY:

• Ya its true....100% literacy rate in Kerala but I really wonder why they are so dumb??Have they not been tought by eating 24 hours a day you become obese and fall ill??? BOZZOS
• Women also have been taught a lottt but then most women dont work ...they just sit at home and become fat!! and then fatter.....and i guess find it a honour bloating up!
• Many of them are over-educated ...like many people i know( I get yelled at...cause i dont show mcuh interest in mugging books).are never satisfied with how much they study....they just keep studyin!?!?!there is a limit to study .. M FED UP OF STUDYING I dunno why they dont have normal human feelins!?!?!!?

7) COCONUTS AND BANANAS:

• No guys, am not bout to tell you nay non=veg joke but the truth is a mallus like revolves around Coconuts and bananas...and their by-products
• Most of the food they eat consists of coconuts and more coconuts and more coconuts and bananas and more bananas and more bananas
• Coocnuts and Bananas are used everyday ..including COCONUT OIL FOR LONG SHINY CURLY HAIR

8) ENGLEESSHH

• Who says we mallus cant speak other languages huh???
• OF course we speak better than any of you( minus the accent )
• If you try and pay attention ( after bout 6 times) you will understand what we were trying to communicate , now we talk in all languages ...just that we have mallunized the language a little:)

SIMBBLIIE MALLU'S.....

Kerala is known as "GODS OWN COUNTRY" .....maybe that is due to the greenary around and definetly cant be because of the people there, other than the fact that they look like devils( M SERIOUS) many behave like one too..or maybe pyscologyically i think so ..because of their close resemembalance to VEERAPPAN....
Hmmm.....the place is beautiful..thats true..but the same place at night is damn scary...and at night the people look more scary...and there people who wear white mundu(lungi) for all occassions...whether its work,for prayers,funerals..weddings.or even their own....so you can imagine when you see someone clothed in white shirt.+..and their scary physical appearance...in the night .....and the surrounding area is equally scary ....and there are reptiles that slither their way around one house to another....i dread going there but unfortunately I have to since my relatives live there...:(
The criteria for a mallu hero= OBESE, UGLY(95% times), horrible teeth, horrible hair and
moustache is a must..and in most movies they wear flashy undergarments...under the white mundu and the camera is kept in such a way to shoot the bright bright undergarments...i mean c'mon cant you wear darker shades....it would be a relief for our eyes!! and mallu women have to be fat....hardly seen thin heroines
My grandparents are thoroughly disappointed in me..I dont behave like a typical simbble mallu kutti (girl)which is dressing in a blouse and a pavada(underskirt) and oil dripping out of my head ...and varieties of flowers sticking out of the hair...me dressing in jeans and tee shirt is way to vulgar for them...(what bout the flab hanging out of the women wearing just the blouse,underskirt of the saree??)..and from the time I am 13, people are asking me to get married..when i reacted in shock...they said i was so tall that they thought i should get married..when did height define a person's age??? and its true mallu's are a lil cheap....they eat a jackfruit and its seed as well(obvio not raw but a curry), we even eat the peel of a banana( again....a curry) btw its damn yummy:)
Whenever I meet some relative ...they have a favourite question.

• Do you remember me??I last saw you when you were one year old!!(me: seriously?!?! when i was ONE year old i saw ,sure i rem u )
• Aiiiyyoooo you have grown, last time when you were one and you could barely stand...(me:duhhh havnt heard that human beings grow over the years??
• When you getting married...( me:arrrrr shut uuupppp)

People name their biological children random words....i mean why do you hate your own child?? and the poor children have to bear the consequences for the rest of their lives:

My mom and dad thought they were being creative when they name me and bro(pity him)

moms name Lizzy..and dads name is Varghese...

so there comes my name Li+ va=Liva( the 1st 2 initials of their names)...it was ok for me...but not my bro....Lis+ver= Lisver(hehe) poor guy...and one friend thought his name is liver...and was like your mother is a doctor is that why she named him liver???

I was zapped..so if i had more siblings ..they would be named heart?kidney?brain??oo my people and their creative minds!!

Trust me the names may get out different emotions from different person...may horrify you,may amuse you, shock you to your very core or...you may become immune to them(like me..but sometimes ..its damn funny)

hmmm have you noticed most of the names always end with inu.....and add random alphabets (t,v,n,l,r,m,j,t etc etc)before inu...and you get a new name...and the best part is when you hear a mallu name..you never know whether you are talkin to a guy/gal...its damn confusing...

or maybe something ending with incy....again repeat the above procedure...ie add random alphabets(l,pr,j,b,v,t) also names ending with ji or jo..add random alphabets again...(bi,li,ji,vi,ti,ci)

You can always try any new combo...if you liked them

or even some nams have the word ma added to it...sarahamma,mariamma...etc etc..m thanking god..that though my name is a lil wierd....its thoda modern:)

Maybe the parents that it was COOL during their generation..but i bet the poor children(who have now grown up ) dont think so..

oo btw these are some of the "Normal" names....there are actually some human beings who respond to names like

GUYS: Pinku...Softie.....Appu..baby(the real name)

GIRLS: Ammu...baby

CLUELESS MUST BE UNISEX NAME:

Joy, Job, Happy, Healthy, Shine, Shiny, Kavin, Bejoy

A suffix mon(son) or mol(daughter) are to show more love to the child i guess...

what bout the following names?(wld have killed my self if i was named like that)

Shitty(speechless),Percy, Booby(stop smiling guys!), Dickson(seriously),Blessy, Bright(really!).CHAKKKU??

yeh we may find it shokcing ....and wierd...but not in our malluland...

and yeh most mallus dont have a surname.....they take their fathers name...

eg .John Abraham( the only hot mallu...awwww but yeh he is half parsi...that explains it) anyways his fathers name is Abraham John

and those who have a surname...will have an unusually long surname (tongue twister usually) that u rather forget they even have a surname!

Ridiculous styles

Our movies are unique in their own stupid way!Though the evolution of hindi movies has taken place a lil, we still have a long way ahead for our movies to look real enough:)

• A hindi movie is not complete till, there are about 6-7 annoying songs,which spoil the movie(by chance its interesting)
• In our movies, inspite of what the situation the heroine is in, she is always dressed well and has loads of makeup
• The villian always has highligted makeup-if its a guy, kajal in the eye, extra ordinary colour lens, wierd hairdo, teeth can be black or golden(something that will make our lovely heroine scared) and if the villian is a girl then, she will have loads laods of loud makeup,huge bindi covering her forehead, loads of accessories,coloured lens( keep rolling the eyes for no valid reason)
• In hindi movies how is love expressed??

Two flowers next to each other( u need to understand the pollination 1st)

Heavy rainfall+ thunder+lightning+wind that makes eveyrthing fly about but the two lovers sing in glory

Any random animals,birds or living organisms riggling their noses together or so

The fan in the room, or any non living thing becomes the focus of the camera

• In hindi movies, when the lead actors kiss their necks and the camera is always at a crooked angle, two emphasis that yes they r making out
• Most of the rape scenes, the girl treats the guy as a friend till she realizes what is actually hapenning, that is when he tears a piece of her clothe and then starts the howling,nahiin aisa mat karo...mujhe chod do...and out of no where the hero flys in and dishom dishom begins, if this scene has to take place in the rains the girl coincindently will be wearing WHITE
• When the boy finds the girl attractive,wind starts blowing through her hair..wish that would happen in mumbai(its damn hot here)
• Always women get pregnant by hugs,wow that indeed changes the science behind reproduction!!

Bollywood!!!!

Apna Bollywood movies...what a story-line(90% dont make sense at al), atleast when they copy hollywood they should copy it completely...but NO they will indianise it....ooo....for some reason they the producers think it will work???seriously???how on earth will it work if nothing in the damn movie makes sense???but then again our Indian audience are very unpredictable!!
Any damn movie that Shah Ruk Khan acts,whether it makes sense or not goes a hit, still cant figure out why!??!?! Om Shanti Om...what was soo great in that movie....typical bollywood movie that didnt make sense..in the movie the guy who killed(car accident) shah ruk khan....had a child who grew up into SRK lookalike again!?! i mean..what!??!
or the movie Rab ne ...o my god...that movie is the height..had to take crocin to stop the headache..how is it that in only indian movies that we cant recognise ppl if they wear specs or remove them...taani (anoushka) didnt recognize her husband..who she stays with when he wore lens and had a diff hair style and new clothes(bright bright coloured clothes ..red tee shirt orange pants (tight)!! what bout the damn face?!?he didnt have a plastic surgery...and they made a 3 hour movie out of that and many songs...o there are so many parts in the movie which irritate you..but there are still who loved the movie......
yeh its true .... SRK and sex are the only things that work!!!

Movies..

Dunno if I am relieved that there are no releasing now or sad! Some of the movies are made just to make you understand the exact meaning of torture, and I usually land up watching such movies itself!! Atleast english movies promise you just 1-2 hours of entertainment but apna hindi movies..seem never ending....
When the movie begins..it makes sense but slowly you realize your mistake....I really don't understand why every damn movies needs soo many songs...thank god..himesh has stopped singing for a while!!( There was a time that every radio station played his songs...there was no escape only) if not the songs, the story line-the same person dies ...comes back.., he has 2-3 wives..but hes never caught etc and the worst are when english movies are copied into bollywood style...but in mumbai if you release any movie..poeple will go for it , lovers rush in the theatre to catch the "Corner Seats" since they cant make out in public places ,and also they dont want anyone to see...but in a theatre people still have the beauty of vision, and can see and also feel the vibrations of the seat next to you! Some people are so excited to see their fav star they start cheering and singing ( u cant even sleep in peace then!)

Missin college days..

College days were the best days of my life, when i was in Wilson college, I learnt to be an independent person and also a stonger and more confident person. I enjoyed a lot, went for movies travelled all over Mumbai(parents will get a start if they know) somewhat ignored studies. I was always a last bencher, always distracted in class,either listening to music,playing games,reading books, eating food or sleeping:) sometimes I wonder how i passed but my final year I scored well and made my parents proud ..and then in Xavier's I continued enjoying..roaming about:) i was fed up of studies but now since I am working,missing all these days.....and all my friends-who mean a lot to me

Quotes on friendship

Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.-Muhammad Ali
True friends stab you in the front- Oscar Wilde
Friends are relatives that you make for yourself-Eustache Deschamps

Beauty of life

Life is the most beautiful gift to us!! We must always be grateful for what we are today,rather than cribbing about what we dont have.